If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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