I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
