ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
