Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
