RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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