Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
