That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize