i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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