My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize