Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
