Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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