found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
