Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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