Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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