i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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