he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh god it's open bar.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
