Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize