My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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