how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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