do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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