Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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