Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
