I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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