My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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