totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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