I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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