so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
