He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
