Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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