guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
