Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
