Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
