I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
you never un-have a 4some
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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