I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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