toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
