I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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