there's paper in my vomit.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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