im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
