I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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