for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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