i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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