Who wears a wallet chain?!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
