ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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