In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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