you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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