I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
