Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
