Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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