2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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