ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
