so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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