I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
