areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I need to sanitize my soul.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
