She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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