She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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