"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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